a shift.

It all began on an early February morning in the LAX airport.

With wheelie luggage in tow, I was headed up to visit my sister and friends who warm my heart. I was in a state of uncertainty and change. I had just taken on the opportunity to spend more time coaching CrossFit and would soon be spending less time smiling as women told me that their lululemon pants were sheer.

Change; the one constant in life. A state that I, personally, love to embrace. But this one turned my world spinning a whole new direction.

He caught my eye in line for security. He flies for business, so he got priority over the rest of us who were sleepy-eyed, staring at our phones in a snaked line. His presence instantly sparked my interest. (Note: that hardly ever happens)

As he vanished away in a sea of people, I was determined to catch his attention. Debating whether it was too early in the morning for this sort of interest, I made my way to the monster of a line at Starbucks. Of course, he was then standing five people in front of me. Thinking this was too good to be true, I convinced myself that he must have some sort of lame name and a terrible drink order (like a frappuccino). But he didn’t. We had the same order. So after paying for mine, I waited anxiously with a glance his way every so often.

I was on full alert when he grabbed his drink from the counter and walked by to say, “Good morning, how are you?” With the quickest response and smile of “Good morning to you too! Great how are you?!”, I picked up my order and walked (sprinted) to my gate.

After kicking myself for not turning around to sit with him, I strategically sat near the walkway so that I could watch him walk to where his gate was. (I sound like a complete stalker)

It was directly across from mine.
To keep the story simple, we made eye contact several times as I kept tabs on his wandering about the terminal. With ten minutes to spare before we both boarded separate flights and one more look my way, I worked up the nerve to walk myself, with wheelie luggage in tow, right up to him and introduce myself. And that was it.

Now I am writing this as someone who can’t even find the words to explain how letting a man like him into my life has shifted my whole being.

Mornings mean more when you wake up to someone who will do anything for you, who will listen to what weighs on your heart and also knows when to pretend like he is listening because you are really just talking to yourself. He has allowed me to share my scary life dream of becoming a nurse and undoubtably supports me in whatever schooling is necessary. He wants the best for me, as I do for him. His presence has shifted me into believing in bringing lives together and that no matter where we go or what we do, we are always on the same team.

I suppose it is true when they say you just never know when you’ll meet someone. It sure was the last thing I was expecting at 6:00 am in an airport that serves a major hub for the country. But out of all the chances to have never met this man, I cannot begin to thank God enough for bringing him into my life.

 

chasing ambition & Aussies.

Lately, I feel as though I have been tied to bills, my to-do list, and the little hiccups life throws your way. I have a driven personality that allows me to keep going and make it all seem okay. But to be quite frank, it is exhausting.

While some might call it “adult-ing”, I want to recognize that I am well aware of the fact that being an adult requires grueling hours like this. But I also know that I don’t know how to stop working. I never know what is enough and when to kick my feet up and say “F*ck it, I’ll take a margarita on the rocks.” That kind of a attitude just doesn’t happen for a girl who is living in Los Angeles and is dependent on her small income and side money from coaching. Instead, she is up in the wee hours of the morning to get her life together and make sure that her days are well executed.

But then, one night it did.

I sat at the bar with a friend while I was on the verge of tears from the fear of the unknown with my career and the frustration of barely getting by with a margarita in hand. And while this doesn’t sound like any sort of situation to be making quick decisions, it is always the best time to to tap into your spark.

What lights you up? What are you waiting for? Is it pulling on your heart strings? Then do it. Make something happen and commit to standing behind your idea… even if you fail. This is life and you are living. Every amazing outcome comes from great risk… Or at least that is what all the quoted successful people say.

So, this morning I am writing this after a night of purchasing my flights to Australia for a bucket list trip I have always wanted to go on and the ambition to putting myself out there ever further to chase my dreams. Sometimes you just have to pick your own self up by the boot straps and keep striving to do great things.

i tried.

I’ll let another one in.

 

Just like the last.

Another one who seems “different this time”, but is only here to hopelessly break my heart.

It was never either of our intentions, but it wasn’t built to last. Maybe I didn’t put in the work this time. Or maybe, timing was were we went wrong.

But… it wasn’t built for slow dancing in the living room, late nights, and crazy love. It wasn’t about the simple things; the things that make life worth living.

It was about meeting those relationship deadlines. The scary ones that everyone says you need to because everyday you’re growing with age… You are without a committed relationship. It’s time to lock it down; I mean, everyone else is engaged.

No. Just no. I can’t have any of that.

That is where you lost me. You lost me when all authenticity of who we were, who we were becoming became what everyone else set the expectations and deadlines for.

So, you go be you. And I’ll go be me.

I am enough.

It’s been awhile since I’ve last written here. And my heart tells me there’s a good reason for that.

Stepping back to take a look over the last couple of months it is all summed up in the sense that practice of presence has brought clarity.

Presence. This beautiful thing I have been practicing, processing, and learning to accept.

I am not sure why it took so long to come to such a pivotal point in my life where this was my greatest focus; but I am learning that is apart of this process too. Our lives our continuously ebbing and flowing as we face our journeys ahead. By accepting myself I have found grace in the ebb & flow of life to replace the stress and anxiety I once felt. It takes repetition, but I now know that I am enough and I always have been.

Where it used to be this constant go, go, go, I find myself taking a step back. The beauty of it all is that rather than doing less, I am doing more. I am more aware, more grateful, more awake to embrace the life in front of me because I know that I am enough. And all of that is a hell of a lot more valuable than any completed to do list.

Now that I take some time to reflect on what was the cause in all this, I realize it was and is a shift in my thinking thanks to not only myself, but the lives of others that have walked in. I’ve allowed myself to accept anger, frustration, confusion, and any feelings that I have covered up to get by. In big transitions in life (in my case a move to L.A., a start and then change of jobs, and hardships for the lives around me) I tend to mask how I feel. Brooke is always the positive one, so that’s who I tried to get by being. Low and behold, that can only last so long.

Instead, life takes authenticity. Sticking true to who you are and actually figuring that out. It’s going with your gut instinct, asking questions, and admitting when you’re wrong. Most importantly, it’s sharing that journey with others. Sharing your story and how you actually really feel (not what you think everyone wants to hear). And it’s accepting the moments where you accidentally let your ego come in front of your heart. You’ll find your heart knows the good, but we tend to let our ego get in the way. But by practicing presence with yourself and tuning into how you actually feel, your life becomes rich; full of valuable moments.  It is about appreciating the importance of yourself and the relationships you build with others.

While I’m thrilled and intrigued by this chapter in my journey, I remind myself that this is all apart of the ebb & flow of life. There are many great things to come. And I pray that I can continue to accept them with an open, present heart knowing that I am and always have been enough.

morning clarity: hiking adventures & real life talks

The one that got away

I made the mistake of going through your pictures again.
It’s funny how one glimpse and swoosh; on come a thousand memories.
It shouldn’t be that way.
I’m not supposed to feel pain.
I’m supposed to be the intimidating and confident person that others make me out to be.
But I’m not.
I’m a hopeless romantic with a heart on my sleeve.

I still wonder if I’m capable of trusting another after the way you held me late into the night.
After the energy and connection we shared.
The fights and the laughter.
And the way you just knew the right thing to say to make me stay just one more night.

Well the nights turned to weeks.
And then the weeks into a couple years.
And now you’re no where near.

Nothing but a memory.
A hard kick in the side.

The man that let my heart grow cold.
The one who was never there to stay.
All I can hope is that a small part of you knows I’m the one that got away.

*** Just a bit of raw emotion here, my friends. Sometimes I like to write it out and exaggerate. Putting things on paper (or typing on a keyboard) just feels good somedays.

energy – the end of life

Last night a friend asked me the question of what my perspective was on what happens after death. I sat there for a second; perplexed that I hadn’t ever truly put my thoughts into words. Or really have ever actually thought about it for that matter.

I’ve been telling people lately “ I don’t have time to waste. Last time I checked, there isn’t any proof that I am going to do my life a second time around.” Scientific proof that is. Believe what you want and follow what religion you relate with. You do you.  But…

I believe in energy. Not the kind that buzzes, zaps, and keeps your computer functioning. But more the kind that makes this journey. Your energy can be the kind that makes you get up in the morning and start your day (even without that delicious cup of coffee).  Your energy can be your passion, your daily routine, or whatever it might be that you do.

Obviously I am going to take the positive perspective on this one, because that’s me…

But this is how it works.  Your energy is what you give to the world. Some may call it your spirit, legacy, or character. But give it whatever title you want. Most importantly, your energy is all-encompassing.  So you choose to have bad days all the time; that’s a part of your energy. Or maybe you continuously complain about that job you’ve been stuck at or the fact that you never finished that degree you wanted for years; that becomes a part of your energy too. Maybe you’re the one who pretends to be happy all the time or hopefully you actually are. It’s the relationships you create, nourish, cherish, and sometimes end.  It isn’t all sunshine and good times, but it all adds up to your energy.

Your amount of presence in your life leaves an energy for the world to take on when you’re gone.

As the world constantly adapts, bends, adjusts, and (most importantly) changes it is fueled by the energy of people’s lives. The energy of people and lives before you got all of us where we are now.  So now the energy you have and give today was once shaped and is fueled by the energy from those whose bodies have passed. Their and our energy will continue to create the lives we lead and shape this world accordingly as we progress.

In all, one’s energy never truly dies; that is what the body is for. Instead, their energy becomes ours. That is why sometimes you can feel the presence of someone who has passed on. They passed on their energy and some of it made its way to you.

Be present and make the energy you leave vibrantly strong and full of beauty.

pursuing passion.

About two years ago I sat in a wood-floored, quaint, hipster-esk coffee shop. And something lit up in this ever-evolving, constantly running, mind of mine.

It was a moment of raw honesty and wonder. I sat there as a college student who was drowning in more “how to live life” lessons from my professors. A friend and I revealed how confused we were about what lies before us in life. What direction were we to take?

All I had heard was “This is how you manage people; following ______ model or ______ principle” or the common line of “One day one of you will be the CEO of a Fortune 500 Company”

No. Just no.

This isn’t what I wanted, ever dreamed of, or what I have even come close to desiring today.

That day in the comfort of the coffee aroma; I realized I want passion.

Unknowingly where it would lead, I had a bracelet made with the ‘passion.’ engraved on it. And that was that. That little light in my head was thrown on the bottom on the to-do list and it stayed there.

I haphazardly stumbled through the next couple of years of college; knowing damn well a degree in business wouldn’t ever teach me what my heart needed… but I didn’t have that answer either.

It blows me away how we have given into this “standard” way of being. Like I’ve mentioned before, graduate college, get a big girl job, make money, get married and make some babies (oh and shame on you if you mix this pattern up).

Once again, no. Just no.

For some, that might work. But for me it is suffocating. Absolutely breath stealing, life-ending.

So now I sit here with some college degree they told me to get and a big girl job. While I am so grateful to have received secondary- education… that my friend, is not the purpose of life.

Some live to work; all hours, no sleep. While others work to live; for that vacation or house payment. In my eyes, both parties have it all wrong.

I want to live a life that allows me to work for something I believe in… and last time I checked, that is passion. That is the engraved reminder wrapped around my wrist that flowed in and out of my life over the last few years. And guess what… that little light in my head is back on.

It took realizing that sometimes you are so afraid of chasing your true passion because you idolize everyone who does what you want to do. You see them as your own super-hero; pursuing something that keeps you interested at all times and wanting more. You are afraid to even let the words spill out of your mouth that you want to give back to people and be that help they need in their lives. You never thought that was something you could do because well… who ever even gave you the right to?

But it is that moment when you realize just how many times over and over again you’ve been asked why aren’t you doing this for a living?

Why? Because it is something I care so deeply about that I don’t want to lose it.

But without great risk, there is no reward.

“Working hard for something we don’t care about is called stress. Working hard for something we love is called passion.”

Go pursue your passion… because I don’t know about you, but last time I checked life is about truly living, being, and appreciating. We simply don’t have time to just go through the “standard” motions.

Giving presence

We have become a self-absorbed, technology driven society. We have reached heightened levels of efficiency that are continuously doubling, tripling, and then some every year. Medical technology and treatment continue to amaze us in the care and cures we find. We have connected social media platforms that allow us to check-in, call a ride, pay with a click or scan, and review any business we want. We are now able to stay connected easily through pictures and posts of those friends and acquaintances that may live much further away.

While all of this has been convenient (once you become acquainted with the technology), we are truly missing the bigger picture here.

We have become consumed within our own little technology bubble in life. Our phones are with us every waking second. Mine sits next to me as I type this and sleeps next to me on the nightstand every night. It wakes me up in the morning with a screeching alarm that I have lately become accustomed to snoozing one too many times. Our phones (and iPads too) are the way we consume our free time. We use them in the airport before we board that next flight, in line waiting at the grocery store, between (and in) classes, on our breaks, to entertain children at the table, and pretty much every down second we have.

While yes, it is wonderful to be able to check the traffic, weather, and then some at the touch of a finger, why don’t we go outside and feel how the warmth of the sun feels on our own skin? Or maybe you’ll be lucky enough to catch that sunrise or sunset and then you can be your own judge of what to wear or do next.

But these days, it is has become as if we can’t stand the thought of missing out on the latest updates on what is going on in the lives around us. The only thing is no matter how connected we are, we have already missed it.

While your head was down and buried in the technology in your hands, you missed the opportunity to greet the stranger next to you. For all you know, you could have heard a piece of their life story and that may have enlightened you on something in your own life. Or maybe you spent that whole time in the airport missing out on watching people; people being in the moment. People in the moment of the hustle and bustle, so that you could appreciate them for their journey or just the beauty of mankind in general. Or what about actually engaging with the store clerk you were too busy to acknowledge once you reached the counter because you were still checking all of your friends’ “updates”. Incase you forgot, that person behind the counter is working their job just like you most likely you do too. They have given their time to yes, to make money, but also serve you. Is it that difficult to greet them with a hello and ask how his or her day is going? In some ways this is small talk, but the small talk these days is worth so much more.

We know it’s dangerous to text and drive, yet most of us are still guilty (even if it is “just at the stop light”). Once again, we are missing the bigger picture here. We are so consumed by the latest message on our phone that our own safety and the safety of those around us is put at risk. And to make things even worse, we have created a whole industry of fame out of this. While I did go to school for a Bachelor’s of Science in Business Marketing and understand the importance of playing an active role in social media as a business, the rate of those who continue to be endorsed because of their social media posts is appalling.  We have allowed your average person to attain millions of followers because he or she has the right physique or likes to offer advice on how to eat healthy (for example) and then get sponsored by businesses for it. There are, in fact, several benefits to this. More knowledge on healthy eating, for example, the better for our obese society. But if you really think about it for a second, most times people are regurgitating skewed information they read somewhere else or copied from someone else they follow. But don’t worry, if they’re not going that, they are probably offering you some quick-fix diet trick with result pictures to go along with it so you’re drawn in that much more. In other words, it has become this endless cycle that sometimes includes people giving away their hard-earned money to be apart of the latest and greatest 30-day challenge. In it all, we are just losing ourselves to better identify with the identity of those which we wish we could be more like.

As the social media and technology-driven way of life continues to advance small talk isn’t so small anymore. In its rare and natural state, it is simply becoming one of the most beautiful things mankind can offer. It includes that tricky little thing known as ENGAGING and giving PRESENCE to the moment. To go even further, beyond small talk you will find a real conversation. Now, I don’t mean to scare you with this, but it doesn’t include any fingerprints on a keyboard or Siri doing it for you. It is about being in the moment and actually listening to the life story of those around you. Those life stories are what help shape yours.

You may wonder why one would consider a life-story to start with the small talk between you and a stranger… Well here it is from my perspective:

People are put in this world to be apart of one another’s lives. There are no rules as to whether these people have to have a positive or negative influence on one another’s lives, the choice is yours. People teach one another what is right and wrong. We understand beauty when we have seen hardship. And we all know the only thing we leave behind is the legacy of the life we lived.

Living life isn’t about communicating via technology or social media channels. Truly living means giving presence to the world around you and the beauty of a moment. Whether it be the agonizing thought of getting out of bed to go to work on Monday or the fact that you ate one too may cookies the other night, you are so lucky to be there right that second. You are a raw, flawed human-being and you are living. Because with those bad decisions or hard-times you have faced, you have seen some of the most magnificent things too. It can be the beauty of watching the snow slowly begin to fall, the home-cooked meal in front of you, or the curiosity of a child; it doesn’t matter. What matters is being PRESENT to appreciate the simple things that make up the adventure of life. There isn’t much of an adventure when you are so consumed by staying connected on social media when everyone you are connected to is just as consumed with themselves too. With that, there is no real connection at all.

So be PRESENT because small talk really isn’t so small.

Let’s Play by Our Own Rules

Brilliant.

ablogforkiley

I wonder if the necessity to have walls up in order to protect yourself has been a phenomenon that has evolved with people. Or is being closed off something that has come around in defense to the way people are now? I struggle with it and I’m aware that others do too. I’m constantly reminded of the Great Wall protecting me; my use of it is advised against me: no one can get to know me, I can’t have meaningful relationships, and I’m treated unfairly as the hardened individual trying to protect herself from the world rather than the girl within. How we come to be this way isn’t necessarily anyone’s business, however there are consequences. No one wants to be treated as the villain, so I tried to be vulnerable.

I then tried to be vulnerable in the dating world and that’s when I really became confused. Why are…

View original post 557 more words

Adventure

I feel like I have written several times about life being the endless adventure and the beauty is in the process of getting there. Or maybe I am saying this just because that is what we always hear. But it is true. More than true, absolutely spot-on.

Upon graduating college (For me, it has been over the past few weeks), we all seem to think there is this expectation of exactly what you should do. I have to say that I, myself, became a victim to it.

It starts long before college though and it goes a little something like this… Graduate high school and be sure to get good grades in the process. Honors aren’t good enough, so try to take some AP credit classes while you are at it too. Be sure to volunteer, do leadership, and have a job or two. Apply to several universities because college is then the next step. Once you get into a school pick a degree (or several or switch a bunch of times) and make sure it is one that will lead you to a successful career (engineering, medical, or business are overly emphasized). In college be sure to join as many organizations as possible, go Greek, and handle several jobs and internships (more the merrier). And once that all whirls by, you need to land a good career. It’s time now to make money and be on your own.

Whoa. That’s too much. But it is what we have come to expect as a society. Now if only it was as easily done as it is said.

I did it. I somehow managed to make that little plot out journey work (well minus the AP credits). And want to know what it taught me?…

I don’t like rules. I don’t like following the “typical” way of doing things. You end it all feeling empty handed; like you didn’t meet the set expectations of this wicked society. I feel like I let people down no matter how successful I have been.

But here’s the beauty of it all… I have learned that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to. Sure, I have met some of the basic steps of the journey our society has come to expect. But I want more. I want more of getting to know people and playing a small or big role in their journey; the journey that their heart is set on, not the expectations of society. I have found that the journey the soul truly seeks is something magnificent, but only when we let our walls down. I want to spend time celebrating the fact that there is some unsaid important reason why we all come into each others lives.

Whether it be the like the individual I just met at a coffee shop in the Phoenix airport or a lifetime friend; this world is all about embracing the relationships encountered in the end. So here is my point in this all:

Sure, I followed the set journey and no, I am not going to let it fall into the next expected step. I want to make my way to and from various places to embrace all different kinds of people and different types of work. I can’t fall for ever settling (or at least not yet). Where I am going I am not exactly sure. But I what I have learned is that I am a writer, a romantic, an athlete, a friend, a daughter, an entrepreneur, and a driven, inspired individual, but I didn’t need school to teach me any of that and I sure don’t need a set career that defines that either. It is the beauty of the little things and people that we tend to forget this so called adventure is really all about.