When you’re little you have this idea that life is going to pan out just the way they tell you it will be. The fairytales create the plot and your parents always tell you can be whoever you want to be. Naturally, at the age of 5 you know you are going to be one thing forever, happy.
Life was simple.
My biggest worry seemed to be waking up to claim my favorite water baby before my twin sister did… what a stressful thing. It was easy back then. We colored huge chalk murals in the street for hours on end and created our own imaginary towns.
But as elementary school took its toll, fairytales fell far out of the picture by the age of 13.
By the age of 13, life was consumed with fitting in, getting the best grade, and dating (or at least what we thought was dating). The littlest things were absolutely HUGE in our minds and the next few years were stressful.
It’s stress you put on yourself at that age; so consumed by your image and who was cool and who was not. Even at a small-town K through 8th grade elementary school, the pressure was on for me.
I was angry growing up. Angry from the 8th grade through about my junior year of high school. It came and went; varying throughout the years. I wasn’t known for this by any means, but my family definitely saw the worst of it. And let me just say, it wasn’t their fault. I had one of the greatest upbringings I could ever ask for.
Plain and simple; high school was hard and I was pretty lost. I wanted to fit in. I dated the older guy; stud athlete and high school jokester. My life became consumed with taking care of him. We were on and off. The terrible heartbreaks and lies were ever present in such a young relationship. Looking back today, it all taught me so much. But at that time, I became a little more lost. I struggled with who I was, because I was so lost in him. I got a job not long after turning 16. I became involved in everything. Just trying to make my own identity; yet, I was always there to cater to anyone else.
I soon developed an unhealthy obsession with working out and eating. It was all that I could solely control. My weight varied and my anxiety and OCD sky-rocketed. I saw a therapist for help. She was like the little light at the end of the tunnel, but I had to learn my own way.
It wasn’t until right before my senior year of high school that one day I suddenly thought to myself “I quit.”
And that is exactly what I did. I wiped my hands clean and did my best to walk away from everything I had known.
It wasn’t easy. And it was down-right messy. But that mess is exactly why I am writing today.
It took me two years of ups and downs to then sink into the me I am. It took a man treating me like a princess for me to finally see my worth. It took taking on huge leadership roles and learning to love everyone around. It took that same man eventually playing with my heart to realize I had to find a way to stand on my own two feet. I could go on forever of all the trials I faced.
But what is most important, is that I appreciate them. I wouldn’t take back anything from my experience in my small-town and all that I faced. But I never ever want to go back to being that angry girl.
I can’t say life is always perfect now. But I now know what it means to be happy; the 5 year-old simple kind of happy.
I love people. I am loud, spontaneous, and I have completely come into my own. I still wake up telling myself somedays that “I quit” and that is exactly what I do. I quit the things that are too much and unhealthy for me. If I feel any sort of negative energy from anyone, I am out in a heartbeat. But I also do my best to see the best in everybody. People are awesome; simple as that. I love life, and it really does seem to love my right back.
So yes, I am only 21 and in college. There is a lot of reality ahead. But I don’t really care what my profession is, where I live, and who I marry… that fairytale is a hoax. Sure, that stuff is so so important. But it will come in time. I am just going to keep doing this ‘happy’ thing that my 5 year old self always dreamed of. If my ‘happy’ is traveling the world and waiting to settle, then so be it. This story isn’t by the book; but I’ve never really been too good at listening to the rules anyways. Here’s to you 5 year-old self, you were right. Happy is all I want to be.
Love Defies 